While people struggle with forgiving others (which is completely understandable), especially when the person does not repent or at least admit their error, I struggle with the idea that Christians don’t have to forgive when the one who sinned against us doesn’t ask for it.

I think part of the problem is how we define forgiveness.

For me, forgiveness does not include reconciliation or that the person need not face any justice (worldly or otherwise).

When I define forgiveness, I consider it a matter of self-protection. I know that sounds counter-intuitive, but bear with me. 

I must forgive so that any anger or hate I might harbor for that person does not fester and poison my heart and soul. And by forgiving them, I can more easily pray for that person’s own salvation even as I expect them to face whatever worldly justice or consequences is required. It’s about keeping my own soul clean, releasing the pain they caused, and putting it into God’s hands.

Know too, people, even Christians, can’t always and truly forgive on his or her own strength. In fact, it would be a rare thing indeed if they could. We must depend on the Holy Spirit to guide and give us the strength to do it.

Many believe that a person who sins against us must ask for forgiveness first, just as we must repent to God before he can forgive us. 

Let’s not forget, though, we are imperfect whereas God is perfect, so how we approach him cannot be the same as how we approach one another. He is sinless and can’t be tempted to do evil, unlike us.

Two things can be true at once: If someone sincerely asks for forgiveness, we must forgive them (again reconciliation and/or protection from human or God’s justice is not part of the equation), but we must also forgive them if they don’t. Eventually if not right away, because we often need time to grieve and heal from the pain they caused.

Full disclosure: I cannot claim I can live up to the ideal of forgiving someone regardless of the circumstances. Should someone harm any member of my family, for instance, I’m pretty sure I would shove aside any idea of vengeance belonging to God alone. I may even decide that worldly justice isn’t enough so soothe my wrath.

Which is why I pray I never have to face such a trial. 

Our Father in heaven,
hallowed be your name.
Your kingdom come,
Your will be done, 
on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread, 
and forgive us our debts, 
as we also have forgiven our debtors.
And lead us not into temptation, 
but deliver us from evil.

For if you forgive others their trespasses, your Heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will you r Father forgive your trespasses. ~ Matthew 6:9b-15 (ESV)